One last lesson from Mr. Keating

Yesterday, a famous actor passed away. It has been reported a suicide by asphyxia by hanging.

There have been a lot of postings that are expected when a well loved celebrity passes away, as well as there were some postings I have seen why it's okay not to feel sad or remorse. However, in this case, since I feel that mental health is an issue that is still stigmatized or hushed until behind closed doors, I want to share why I am truly going to miss about Robin Williams, and one last lesson he taught me. 

First, I will miss him for some of the roles he played. 

I will miss him because as a kid I always wanted to be Aladdin, and the thought of having him as a best friend with magical powers would be great. 

I will miss him because when he disguised himself, just to be closer to his family in Mrs. Doubtfire his character taught me how great a bond can be with parent and child. 

I will miss him because when I was about 10 years old and just wanted to grow up, I saw the movie Hook and he taught me that even if you are such in a hurry to grow up, forget who you are, and to have fun there is always time to change that. 

I will miss him because when I was a senior in high school in a Psychology class, we watched Awakenings and he captured something that I hope to be whenever I grow up and that was a dedicated professional who powered through adversity. 

I will miss him because even though I never saw Dead Poet's Society until last night, I was reminded of the importance of the right influence of a teacher can be. He reminded me so much of so many teachers and professors I had that I felt incredibly blessed and humbled. 

Second, I will miss him for his charity. 

There have been uploads and stories from citizens and veterans, a like of whom he would just take the time to entertain and try to make their lives better. 

Third, I will miss him for his stand-up.

Granted, I have only one album of his Stand-Up. I appreciated how raw, funny, vulgar, and how real he was. 

Fourth, I will miss him for his honesty.

It was during his stand-up, I learned about his demons (alcoholism, and cocaine abuse). He talked about this health problems with his heart, and his mental lows as well. Again, he was raw and real, he didn't try hiding who he was. He tried to better himself by going to rehab as well.

Now onto the reason behind the title of this entry. 

The last lesson I will learn from him is to talk things out and to be honest about how I am feeling. For those that don't know I have Bi-Polar Disorder, and with the territory comes extreme highs that will make you freakishly optimistic and happy, while at the same time extreme lows and depression can set in. 

Yes, even the Big "S" word, comes into play. Have I attempted it? Yes. Do I still think about it? Yes. But do I plan on acting on these thoughts? No. I feel a big reason not to commit it or attempt it is because of love. After seeing people's reactions to it, I tried my best to really focus on the people who were close to him like his family. 

I may never be famous for my writing or acting, or impact a fraction of the lives he did. But he did have loved ones that miss him. I think that people should know that they are loved, and that they will leave a void, when it's their time to go, especially if it's by their own hand. 

I plan on being honest with not just the people who want to know, but more importantly honest to myself. Especially if I need help. (I was on medication but weaned off of it, and I had seen a counselor for about a year and a half). 

Please, if you're ever considering suicide, just call a hotline, or reach out to a loved one. 

They're there. They are a gift, and so is life...don't waste it. 

Acting, Photography, and Writing....It's all about love.

So I realize this is my first post in a while, I promise to continue posting it's just been a hectic past few months. But as the title of this entry suggests, I am writing because my love of all these things.

Let's start

Acting:

I first started acting in High School. I originally took a Drama class in lieu of taking a Foreign Language. During my first year (Drama 1) we didn't get to do any plays, but we had to watch and review different performances. After watching a few, I loved the idea how a high school student could transform into anyone they wanted to.

With that being said, I auditioned for (Drama 2) for sophomore year and eventually Advanced Drama (Drama 3 and 4) for my Junior and Senior years. Through those years I played an Earthworm, Hades, and, even a Constable to name a few. After every role I ever played I learned something about myself. As I started college, I regretfully strayed away from any projects, it was only until I was in my third year in College, and later that I found my way back to the stage. I even eventually ventured into film, either way becoming someone or something else was incredibly therapeutic.

It gave me the privilege of being able to live many lives, at the same time it gives me the chance to appreciate who I am, and the life I am living. Sure some may be funny, like an Imprisoned Chef, a constantly tired member of the Watch, while others can explore darker and heavier parts of the psyche such as Hades, or my most recent film role as an Alcoholic who pushes his family away.

Either way, I start every rehearsal and shoot as myself, change into the character, and change it back.

I have had the privilege of walking away with memories and laughs with all the people I have worked with. But most of all I have the privilege of turning into myself, and making sure I mature and take lessons from each character played, and each life lived.

Photography:

This will be the shortest of the three.

As far back as I can remember I've always been impressed with cameras and what they do. However, I found my passion for photography at different points in my life. When I was a teenager, I would go around and try to take pictures with my phone, or a point and shoot camera, at things that would just interest me.

However, like acting I pretty much stopped, unless you count the mobile uploads over the years.

It wasn't until my first year at UCLA when I found the same impression left by cameras and the love for it. After being diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder, I was put on medications. These medications while stabilizing me, also left me at points extremely forgetful, and a lot of the time was put into a fog.

That's why I love taking pictures, because how my memory currently (and hopefully) works is by a quick reminder. Photos, digital or film, help me remember and jog my memory of different experiences with friends and loved ones.

During my last year in College, Photography became very important to me because I acted as a Staff Photographer,and I eventually invested into multiple cameras and lenses. Now I aspire to not just live life, but to document them as well.

Writing:

I started writing in the fourth grade. In fact I wrote poems for a long time, and still do, but during seventh grade I wrote my first thirty page story, and I am currently working on a semi-fictional, memoir of a novel.
Writing was my first outlet, and whether I am keep the words to myself, on paper or in the a computer, or in a spoken word event. Writing will always be an effective form of therapy.

I have always been unpredictable when it comes to the sharing of my writing. Sometimes I would show the people who act as muses. Others, have only seen the inside of my portfolio. Or at times I have just been so out there and performed my pieces to an audience that I hope wants to hear me.

At first it was for self-empowerment, now I share my writing in the hopes that people will not only be entertained, but it will give them an opportunity to an escape. An escape from whatever is bothering them. At the same time I know that nothing is permanent, but hopefully it will help them carry on.

Writing also gives me a chance to create a reality. Now don't get me wrong, I don't like to think that I am playing God or anything like that, but in a  world and reality of uncertainty, it's comforting and cathartic to me to know that I can create a world and a reality. A reality that can have real or realistic characters, and at the same time I can control the ending, whether it would be happy or realistic, or ideally both.

--------------------------

Now all three forms of art, have been more than just art to me. They have been therapies and escapes. They have given me so many good memories to look back on, some temporary relief and freedom from present-day factors that can frustrate or worry me. All at the same time they gave me hope for the future.

The truth is the chances and cards are stacked up against me. As much as I would love to become a famous actor, a good one that people will say, "Oh let's see it!" or "Oh he's such a great actor, he really turns into the character." Chances are that I won't be the next Ansel Adams or a photographer of an image that can change the world. Lastly, chances are that I won't be the next J.K. Rowling or William Shakespeare. Chances are that I won't ever make my passions a means of living, or acquire fame and fortune from them.

But it's not about making it big, or becoming rich or famous.

It's that feeling when someone comes up to me after a show, or they have seen my work and tell me how much of a great actor I am. It's about that feeling when people tell me that they see one of my photos, and it captures their complete and undivided attention, whether they think it's a cute Bunny, or the fact that it's a beautiful sunset. It's about that feeling when people tell me how much they love the assortment of words I use to create a statement, question, or exclamation. It's about that feeling when people will come up to me and tell me how much they like or love my writing even after a few months.

In short, it's all about love.

April 27th-April 30th: "Going Through The Storm to Find Peace"

I just want to take time to apologize to whoever reads this and has hopefully been waiting for these last four entrees. I have had an incredibly eventful week, and I had a midterm among other assignments and commitments. Thank you again for reading and I hope you are doing well!


April 27th- Going Through The Motions

There I sat, halfway thinking about the words being said. My mind and attention started drifting.
There I sat, halfway thinking about the words being said. Trying to make sense of what happened.
There I sat, halfway thinking about the words being said. I am just trying to make it through.
There I sat, halfway thinking about the words being said. I had to live in the moment, but I could not.

Fake a smile, try to look interested and enthusiastic about what is being discussed among the group.
Fake a smile, drop in a small part of your true opinion, just enough to carry on the act, the facade.
Fake a smile, look down at your feet, while the thoughts and memories of past times start to fill my head.
Fake a smile, mentally relive several moments, that I should not, I have to learn how to let things go.

Here I go through the motions once again, only caring half (if any) of what people think I care about.
Here I go through the motions once again, I need the fire inside of me to be rekindled, and ignited.
Here I go through the motions once again, I am stating to lose my passion and compassion.
Here I go through the motions once again, please do not ask me what I think, most likely a lie.

Going through the motions, I cannot help but look back on my past, happiness and ignorance.
Going through the motions, I like to think I am doing something worthwhile, but all I see is a fuck-up.
Going through the motions, I am trying my best to really stay positive, but I feign happiness for so long.
Going through the motions, I am going to go through them, in hopes one day I will find the passion again.

April 28th-Calm Before The Storm

Do you hear that? That deafening silence before all chaos breaks loose, and it feels like the apocalypse.
Do you see that?  The calmness, the unsettling smile, the look of malice in the eyes of the predator.
Do you smell that? The air around all us is getting thinner and thinner, it just leaves unsettling air.
Do you feel that? That is me who is being pushed over the edge by outside pressures and inner voices.

No, scratch that I will be okay. Do not worry about me, really I will be fine by the start of tomorrow.
No, scratch that I will be okay. I am the same fun loving person inside and out, just had a bad day.
No, scratch that I will be okay. Just give me some time to sit a few rounds out, I need to just rest.
No, scratch that I will be okay. Leave me be, do not worry all I want and need is to just sleep.

This is the calm before the storm. I will try my best to leave as little damage as possible.
This is the calm before the storm. I feel one wrong word will change it all, and cause the rain to pour.
This is the calm before he storm. I feel I should let everything sizzle, and not to overreact.
This is the calm before the storm. I will be okay I promise, the sooner it starts, the sooner it ends.

Breathe. Smile. Do not let them see that this is the calm before storm. They deserve the best.
Breathe. Smile. Do not let them witness how I feel the need to gasp for air. They deserve peace.
Breathe. Smile. Do not let them be worried about you. They deserve to have less stress in life.
Breathe. Smile. Do not let this get the best of you, it's part of you, but not all of you.

April 29th- Talk It Out

Get up at 5:00 AM, have to be out the door at 6:00 AM and hopefully in LA by 8:30 AM.
Get up at 5:00 AM. eat a small breakfast, but my stomach is unsettling. Time to get ready.
Get up at 5:00 AM, get on the freeway at about 6:30 AM, and sit in and out of traffic while winds blow.
Get up at 5:00 AM, barely get to park, five minutes before my appointment. Time to check in.

Sit in the waiting area, she will be out soon. I cannot believe I made it in time. Traffic was worse long.
Sit in the waiting area, thinking how much time I have clocked in the past year and half. It is worth it.
Sit in the waiting area, I examine my hands, and think of what I am going to say as soon as I see her.
Sit in the waiting area, I finally settled in, and was in my own world when I hear her whisper, "Eddie"

Follow her to her office, the usual routine of small talk hushed for the courtesy of others. I smile.
Follow her to her office, I think again of what I have to say, with half the time, I have to be smart.
Follow her to her office, I think of how I was so hesitant to start sessions with her, the nervousness.
Follow her to her office, the usual, I just unload of events in the past two weeks, life is life.

Told her about this and told her about that, I wonder what she is thinking as I tell her everything.
Told her about this and told her about that, I am reminded of previous manic phases, speaking fast.
Told her about this and told her about that, I appreciate her help, and will miss her after this year.
Told her about this and told her about that, I am finally at peace with school, at peace with life.

April 30th- At Peace

It took me 6 years to learn a lot of life lessons. Both light and heavy, bad and good all appreciated.
It took me 6 years to learn that if I do not believe in myself, why should anyone else?
It took me 6 years to build a somewhat healthy and reasonable amount of self confidence.
It took me 6 years to me being brought up, kicked down, and everything in between.

I did the wrong things for the wrong reasons, I can try and list them but that would take a while.
I did the right things for the wrong reasons, This list is smaller, but worse in content nonetheless.
I did the wrong things for the right reasons. This list is smaller in comparison, but I am proud of them.
I did the right things for the right reasons. I did a lot of these, but there is always the future.

I have lost a lot of friends, but made new ones. I would prefer not to lose anymore, but gain more.
I have lost trust with people. but those who still have my trust, I appreciate it, as everyone should.
I have lost great opportunities, but learned to appreciate and take the good ones when they rise.
I have lost myself in the process. Biased, confused, and struggling, I am starting to find myself.

I smile because of all the great times that were shared with so many people over these past years.
I smile because I am so happy and blessed to have such amazing people who inspire me.
I smile because sometimes that is the only thing I may have at the moment, but it is enough.
I smile because I am gaining control of my life, piece by piece, and with that I am at true peace.

April 26th- Seventh Drink Sobriety

Twelve noon, the surprise party was a success. my cousin did not expect a thing. His smile was priceless.
I was surrounded by family, I could not help but feel relaxed in this home style sit-down restaurant.
Drinks and food cover the tables while the sound of laughter could solve my personal mental crisis.
Soon after the lunch was over, I felt renew and refreshed as if washed from the water of a font.

Flash forward two hours, I sit and wait  on a windy beach waiting for the rest of our party to come.
Eventually more people show up and that is when the fun begins. Constant laughter surrounds the pit.
The fire was officially started, and the conversations and hearty laughter  through the weather so glum.
I quickly became enveloped and surrounded by old roommates and good friends it felt like a perfect fit.

The heavy winds continued to blow sand, and embers all over the pit and the friends that surrounded it.
Hot-dogs and marshmallows fully cooked all over the circle, friends dancing and laughing I am at peace.
The colors of the sunset paint the sky bright, and the sun finally sets, the orange fire remaining lit.
I look at the time and see I am running late. I said my byes, as I took one last look at the beach feast.

Drive on PCH with glass covered with dust, after getting lost a few times, I finally found the back-lot.
I see the celebrant, my friend and sit at a table, make some small talk, and begin to sit patiently.
Soon more and more people leave, I drink with the classic idiom and mantra, "waste not, want not."
As I drove home, my thoughts are how lucky I am to know such great people, my seventh drink sobriety.

April 25th- Act It Out

House lights turn off, get to my cue as fast and quiet, as I can. Move like a specter, do not be seen. 

Stay in total silence, do not move, do not speak, do not smile, wait for the stage lights to turn on. 

There I stood there dressed in pink, sunglasses on, white cane in hand, a blind earthworm at sixteen. 

Thought to myself here it goes, my role, my first play. Before I knew it the stage was brighter than dawn.

After my first few roles were said and done all I could think back of how I became interested in acting. 

I had to go back to a few years thinking of when I saw my cousin acting at her Pilipino Cultural Night. 

There she was, someone I saw every weekend, transformed into someone else, lost in acting and reacting.

I knew that night that acting would be something I wanted to pursue no matter how long and hard the fight.

From an Earthworm, to God of the Underworld and many more, acting lets me live many souls, many lives. 

Acting is a drug, the more I do it, the more I want. It gives a healthy escape from a mundane reality. 

My goal is to have many roles, many emotions, many actions (theirs or mine) for personal mental archives.

Acting is a constant and fulfilling therapy. Following every performance, I have a refreshed mentality. 

Acting not only gives me an escape, but it gives an escape for the cast, crew, and audience as well.

I step out of my shoes, and into another, I wipe my emotions and memories clear, to clear any doubt.

A job of the cast and crew is to give the escape for the audience, positive or negative, heaven or hell. 

Every action, emotion, and line gives me freeom, before every performance, I yell mentally, "Act It Out!"

April 24th- Write or Wrong

Words, words, words. People have asked me plenty of times of why I started writing so many years ago?
Words, words, words. The truth is I write so I let most of my heavy emotions. positive and negative go.
Words, words, words. Different ones made up of different letters, to make up different sentences.
Words, words, words. I use them to jump over my mental hurdles, and psychological fifty foot fences.

Poems, short stories, scripts, and soon a novel; they have given me a chance to tell stories from my mind.
Poems, short stories, scripts, and soon a novel; they have proved to be a cathartic and therapeutic find.
Poems, short stories, scripts, and soon a novel; they have made me feel that my life much more pleasant.
Poems, short stories, scripts, and soon a novel; they have all been reminders of one of a great present.

Some I publicly post, some I will keep hidden from the light of the day. All of them are special to me.
Some I publicly post, some I will keep hidden from the light of the day. All of them set my mind free.
Some I publicly post, some I will keep hidden from the light of the day. They ease my heart and soul.
Some I publicly post, some I will keep hidden from the light of the day. They lighten the mental toll.

Thoughts in my head, then ink on the paper, or words on a screen, it all silences my worries and troubles.
Thoughts in my head, then ink on the paper, or words on a screen, it all feels light just like bubbles.
Thoughts in my head, then ink on the paper, or words on a screen, this passion is truly lifelong.
Thoughts in my head, then ink on the paper, or words on a screen, I think the words, "write or wrong."

April 23rd-Immortalized in Time

Growing up I always loved the idea of cameras, and taking pictures. Let me take some to tell you why. 

Growing up I wanted to be a photographer. Whether it was of people, landscapes, or the wide blue sky.

Growing up I always to have a camera with me, either around my neck, or around my wrist it calmed me. 

Growing up I wanted to hold a camera in one hand, and  the ability to capture to whatever I could see. 

Flash forward almost two decades, I was twenty-three and on medications that I took every night. 

Flash forward almost two decades, I was twenty-three and these medications made me feel right. 

Flash forward almost two decades, I was twenty-three and could barely recall what I did during the day.

Flash forward almost two decades, I was twenty-three and felt my memory tragically deteriorating away.

At that point I just wanted to stop taking these pinkish-pale capsules that stabilized, but sedated me. 

At that point I knew it was not the wisest choice, they helped me a lot, but I just wanted to be free. 

At that point I then decided that I should take pictures, should help me remember the memories being made.

At that point I started to take pictures, hoping that memories will not continue to disappear and fade. 

I do not consider myself a professional photographer, so please do not think that I see myself as one. 

I do consider myself as an amateur photographer, and I love taking photographs when all is said and done. 

I consider it a privilege to live in such a place surrounded by beauty and many people that are sublime.

I consider it a major blessing to make these memories, these people, this life,and immortalized in time.